This isn’t to avoid having a paper trail. Get rid of it or give it to your counselor, pastor, or coach who oversaw your confession. My recommendation is once you have made your disclosure, do not keep your written version. Understanding the “why’s” and what led to the addiction can come later. You are simply disclosing what you have done. This is not the time or the place to defend yourself, make excuses, or cast off blame. Stick to the facts and list off the addictive behaviors. If there are things you truly don’t remember, make note of that. You might discover some things you had blocked from your memory. Try to think of everything you have done. Take your time preparing your disclosure. In my book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps to Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal, I provide a template to help you make account of your addiction and behaviors. Write it downĭo not go into your confession and talk off the cuff. Find a place to have it where there will be no intrusions, where you can take the time you need to have the necessary discussions. This disclosure needs to be a focused and uninterrupted conversation. Between kids, phones, etc., it’s too easy to get off track. In fact, when I did mine, we went to the pastor’s office at church and even drove in separate cars. I recommend that you do not give your confession at home. He simply helped us to guide the conversation and make sure things didn’t get out of hand.Īlways give your confession with another party present to help. I gave my disclosure to my wife with our pastor. Sit down with a counselor, therapist, pastor, or coach who can act as a mediator and keep the discussion on track. When you are ready to make your confession, do it with a professional who is trained and has experience in this field. None of this is productive nor will do anything to lead toward healing.ĭisclosure needs to be done in a way that can be productive and not cause further damage. It can very easily devolve into shouting and arguing, saying things that aren’t truly meant, and at worse, violence. This is going to be shocking news and emotions will be running high. Under no circumstances should you disclose your behaviors alone with your wife. In order for your confession to lead to forgiveness and healing instead of brokenness and divorce, you need to handle your disclosure in a safe and healthy manner. This is good, but they just go right ahead and spill their guts without any prior planning or preparation which can actually cause more damage. I see many men whose hearts are convicted, and feel the need to confess. Do not just blurt it out unprepared and without a plan. This is not something you should do on a whim. You need to be adequately prepared to make your confession and disclosure. Now that you’ve accepted the fact you must confess your actions, how do you do it? Be Prepared Confess to your coach, counselor, pastor, or even a trusted friend. I cannot fully help you if I do not understand everything that happened. I require the men I coach to make a full disclosure to me. We could never have recovered and gotten to where we are today if I was still keeping secrets.Įven if you’re not married or in a relationship, you should make a disclosure to someone. Confession was the start to healing mine. You might have to live with the consequences.īut confession doesn’t have to end your relationship. You acted out, you took the sinful action. But withholding the truth for the sake of saving your marriage is living a lie. Will confessing destroy your marriage? It could. You will only cause more damage by withholding the truth. If you’re married or in a committed relationship and fighting porn addiction, or worse, have acted out physically, she deserves to know. I gave that same excuse for years and all it did was cause more pain down the road. Don’t give me the argument “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”. You will not break the chains of addiction and your marriage will not recover from your actions if you are still keeping secrets.Ĭonfession and disclosure is not optional. “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16 You must disclose your addiction, first by admitting it to yourself, second, confess your sins to God, and third, disclose your behavior to your wife or other people it affects. This is not some little secret that you can keep tucked away and hope no one will ever know. You cannot defeat porn addiction without confessing your actions. One of the hardest parts of recovery, but arguably the most necessary is confession. Maybe you’ve even started working with a coach to help guide you through the process of breaking free. So, you have come to the realization that porn and sex addiction is a problem in your life.
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